IUI #1

IUI #1 today. The wildest thing sprang into my mind right at the moment of truth: 'there's no turning back now!'

I voiced it to the nurse, who laughed, and the receptionist (whose style is rocking), who laughed, and to the acupuncturist afterward, who said 'are you feeling some ambiguity about this?' and then it wasn't as funny.

Am I? Short answer: yes. Doing this by myself is not what I pictured when I fantasized about becoming a mom in my twenties and thirties (can't hardly believe the thirties are almost over...). So ambiguity is something I'm feeling. A realignment of values, expectations and dreams is well underway, and not done yet. 

Stay tuned, Self.

SMC meanderings

Self reality check: countdown to first IUI. Teetering between 'omg what if it works the first time out' and 'it hardly ever works the first time.'

This process has steadily progressed since the get-go: but this a.m. I got scared. Scared of post-partum, scared of no sleep, scared of being exhausted and stressed with no one to back me up. Fear of me at my worst. 

Yet, the sense of empowerment from walking this path alone is thrilling. My buttons get pushed and each time I feel this intended child is stronger than anyone's doubts, including my own. 

 

for future: 

Meditations on lonely and alone